Cecil's Impossible Quest
by AnarchistV
Summary: In honour of the release of Final Fantasy IV DS, I have decided to play through Final Fantasy IV Advance. And mock it. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
1. Chapter 1

Dramatis Personae

_Just a few notes before we start the story._

_This is based off FFIV Advance. If there are any apparent conflicts between FFII (SNES) and this story, now you know why._

_I decided on a play format because it would be easier to parody that way._

_The game's best-kept secret is a major plot device. You have been warned._

_And of course die-hard fans need not take things too seriously. Of course the characters are intentionally misrepresented. It's a parody!_

**Dramatis Personae**

Cecil, the main character

Kain, the like totally cool dragoon

Cid, the grumpy old man

Rosa, Cecil's soon to be wife if they ever get through the events of the story

Rydia, the like totally hot summoner

Tellah, the other grumpy old man

Edward, the wuss

Yang, the karate king

Palom and Porom, devil and angel

Edge, the ninja (which gets butt-kicked by pirates, by the way!)

King Baron, is self-explanatory

A bunch of soldiers, mages, monks, generic Final Fantasy character classes, but no one really cares about them, right?

The Elemental Lords, the bumbling idiots

Golbez, the villain (at least after Cecil quits his villain job)

Dwarves, who are less annoying than in Final Fantasy I

??, the final boss who is obviously not named Golbez

**Act 1**

_In Which Cecil Has Some Explaining to Do!_

Scene 1

_A formation of airships flies over the oddly unnamed world (developer laziness?) Cecil and his soldiers are leading the airships to Baron. Actually, it's more like the soldiers do all the work and Cecil just stands there._

Soldier 1: So the raid was successful then?

Soldier 2: Yep. The Crystal is ours.

Soldier 1: Man, killing those mages sure was fun! It was like playing an old-school RPG!  
Soldier 2: But don't you think that those mages have feelings too?  
Soldier 1: What are you smoking? Of course not! In old-school RPG's, the random monsters are just….

Cecil: Enough! Mages don't have feelings, or else we'd be evil for killing them. And I can't be evil, because I'm the main character!

Soldier 1: Yeah, but you're a Dark Knight! That makes you a villain!

Cecil: Oh yeah, forgot about that….

Soldier 2: Monsters! They're sabotaging our ship, and not doing very well!  
Cecil: Then I'll just have to kill them!

_Cue battle sequence_

Cecil: Go, Red Fang, and Blue Fang. Die you worthless creatures! Wait, oh dang! That was my last fang!

Soldier 1: At least all the monsters are gone. Strange that so many monsters have appeared recently. It's like some Game Developer is punishing us for senselessly killing living and breathing creatures…Nah. That can't be right.

Soldier 2: Anyways, the king is not going to be happy with you knowing you wasted all his fangs again. You've got some 'splaining to do!

Cecil: gulp

_The airships land in Castle Baron._

Scene 2

_At the Castle Baron Gates…_

Guards: Halt! Who goes there?  
Cecil: It's me, Cecil.

Guards: Oh. For a minute there I thought it was someone competent. Fine, let him in.

_Inside Castle Baron_

Baigan: Cecil? How was your raid?

Cecil: Okay….

Baigan: Just okay?! How can you not be excited at the prospect of killing worthless mages? Anyways, you have the crystal?

Cecil: Yes.

Baigan: The king is not happy with you. I suggest you see him now.

_Inside the throne room_

King Baron: Cecil, have you been foolishly wasting my precious Fangs on weak monsters again?

Cecil: Er….

King Baron: Don't lie to me!

Cecil: But I didn't say anything yet!

King Baron: You're a Dark Knight. Dark Knights always lie. I should know myself, since I trained you all. clears throat I am very disappointed in your incompetence. I am almost beginning to think you are becoming a good guy!

Cecil: No, sir, never! I would never indulge in such heresy!  
King Baron: Lies, again! I am demoting you from Captain of the Red Wings!  
Cecil: Please, sir, I have a wife and er…, I don't have any kids, but you get what I'm trying to tell you.

King Baron: Cecil, Cecil, you sound so pathetic when you use that cliché that I feel sorry for you. I am willing to give you one more chance. Tomorrow is some little girl's birthday in Mist. I want you to give that girl this present courtesy of the king himself.

Cecil: You mean you, right?

King Baron: Thinks hard Yes.

Cecil: Uh, sir? Since we're villains, why are we being nice to the citizens of Mist? Isn't there some more sinister ulterior motive ascribed to this act?

King Baron: Thinks very hard No.

Scene 3

_Outside the throne room_

Kain: So, how'd it go?

Cecil: The king has entrusted me with this awesome responsibility. I'm going to make some little girl in a far-off town happy!  
Kain: Cecil, you do realize that by giving you petty delivery errands, the King has demoted you to the lowest of the low, right?

Cecil: Oh well. At least I get to be nice for a change.

Kain: Sigh Well, see you in the morning, Sam.

Cecil: See you in the morning, Ralph.

Scene 4

_At the passage towards Cecil's Tower_

Cid: Hey, there, old buddy. How's the mistress?  
Cecil: You mean Rosa?  
Cid: No, I mean my airship.

Cecil: I come back from senselessly killing mages and all you can talk about is your airship?  
Cid: Well, it is pretty, and I did make it myself. You didn't hurt it or anything?  
Cecil: No. Except perhaps those monster scratches…  
Cid: EEK! You monster! Why I oughta…

Cecil:…quit it with your airship fetish and get a real wife?

Cid: Uh, sure.

Cecil: Anyways, how's Rosa?

Cid: Not good. Apparently, you've got some 'splaining to do!

Cecil: Uh-oh! I think I'm in trouble!

Scene 5

_In Cecil's bedroom_

Cecil: tosses and turns Can't sleep, king will turn into clown, then eat me!

Rosa: abruptly turns on light Cecil!

Cecil: AAHHHH! CLOWN! Oh, it's just you, Rosa.

Rosa: Where were you today? Tell me now! weeps

Cecil: Destroying some far-off city of creepy Mages. But who cares about them anyways?

Rosa: You're not the Cecil I know.

Cecil: But, darling, I have always been destroying cities for no reason ever since I got this Dark Knight job. Why are you complaining now?

Rosa: Not that? You were cheating on me. Who is she?

Cecil: Rosa, Rosa, she's just a picture in a magazine. I thought we went over this already.

Rosa: I thought you loved me. Why would you leave me for her when I'm not looking? It's not like you're a Dark Knight or anything! runs away crying

Cecil: I've got to get myself a new job.

Scene 6

_At the Castle Gates_

Kain: Morning Sam!  
Cecil: Morning Ralph!

Kain: How's the missus?  
Cecil: Not good. I think that our relationship is breaking apart.

Kain: At least you have one...

Cecil: Kain, are you jealous?

Kain: Who told you!? I mean no.

Cecil: Kain, I know you never get any of the women on our adventures, but maybe you can take your anger out on the monsters. After all they carry money, and you know the saying. First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.  
Kain: Well let's go kick some sty monster a!


	2. Chapter 2

_Brought back from the dead after months of being too occupied by studying, procrastination, and writer's block to continue, presenting:_

**Act 2**

_Describing the Tragic and Unnecessary Death of a Beloved Family Member_

Scene 1

_Outside Castle Baron, Battle Sequence_

Goblin 1: Die!

Cecil: Why are they so angry at us?

Goblin 2: You killed my father!

Cecil: Oh dear, not another Star Wars reference.

Kain: Actually, we did kill him one week ago in a sport hunting contest. But don't let it get to you. They're just monsters, after all.

Goblin 1: {slashes at Cecil}

Cecil: AAAHHHH!

Kain: Get a hold of yourself, mate! That barely took away 2% of your health!

Cecil: My armour… I just polished it this morning… Now you're all getting it! (uses Dark)

Goblins: Urrrgggghhhh! You'll pay for this! {disappears inexplicably}

Kain: Chill out, man. You're hurting yourself worse than any of the monsters!

Cecil: Eh, I'm tired of facing stupid Goblins and Floating Eyeballs. There's gotta be a faster way to get to Mist.

Kain: How about that forest?

Cecil: {runs off}

Kain: Hey, wait for me!

Scene 2

_In the Chocobo Forest_

Cecil: Look at all these finely bred Chocobos. I sure hope we can get a good loaning price out of the owner….

Kain: {Gets onto Chocobo}

Cecil: Hey! Shouldn't we ask first? We could get in trouble for stealing

Kain: There are four Chocobos in the middle of the forest just waiting to be taken and you're worried about being charged for grand theft Chocobo? They're probably wild anyways. Giddyup!

Cecil: Okay, but where am I gonna sit?

_Towards The Mist Cave_

Cecil: Uggh, this is uncomfortable. Watch where you're pointing that lance!

Kain: You think you have problems? You need to replace that outdated and painfully heavy armour of yours.

Cecil: I would, but the King hasn't paid me in days.

Kain: Well, what happened to all the money you got from the monsters?

Cecil: Um….

Kain: Don't tell me. You spent it all on hair gel again.

Cecil: What makes you think that?

Kain: Sidekick intuition. Anyway, we're here! Uggh, my aching back! Good thing we remembered to bring Potions.

Scene 3

_Inside Mist Cave_

Voice: TURN BACK!

Cecil: Kain, did you hear something?

Kain: Probably just the wind.

Cecil: Kain, it's a cave. There is no wind!

Kain: Okay, uh, it's probably just an echo.

Cecil: I can live with that explanation.

_Later_

Voice: KNIGHTS OF BARON! LEAVE AT ONCE, OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

Kain: Why?

Voice: Er, because I said so!

Kain: That's a pretty lousy reason, if you ask me.

Voice: YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE MY WARNINGS?

Cecil: No?

Voice: Okay.

Cecil: Well, that was pretty easy. Let's just get out of here and go home.

Kain: Cecil, you twit. We haven't delivered the present yet. We have to finish the mission!

Cecil: We have free will. We can just go back and tell the king to give us another mission.

Kain: Cecil, we're in a video game. If we don't continue on, we'll be stuck here forever!

Cecil: Fine.

Voice: KNIGHTS OF BARON! LEAVE AT ONCE, OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

Kain: Sheesh, we heard you the first time.

Voice: YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE MY WARNINGS?

Cecil: Yes! It's not like we have an actual choice!

Voice: Fine. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! {Materializes into Mist Dragon}

Scene 4

_Battle Sequence_

Cecil: Whoa! A dragon!

Mist Dragon: That's MIST Dragon to you, Mister.

Kain: Who cares? You're just a big monster. Let's kill it!

Mist Dragon: Monster? That's not very nice. Ow, my spine! Now you're gonna get it! {transforms into mist}

Cecil: {slashes mist, activating Cold Mist} Urgh.

Kain: Cecil, you idiot! How could you fall for such an obvious trap?

Cecil: It transformed at the moment I was attacking! Why must everything be my fault?

Kain: Because you're the main character, and I have to blame someone. Oh well, nothing to do but wait.

_One Hour Later_

Kain: Well this is boring.

Cecil: Wanna play cards?

Kain: Sure. {Gets out deck}

Mist Dragon: How dare you mock me?

Kain: Now's our chance!

Cecil: Die! {slashes Mist Dragon to bits}

Kain: Yeah! {High Fives Cecil}

Cecil: Kain, I just came to a sudden realization. Maybe dragons have feelings too.

Kain: Cecil, don't be ridiculous.

Scene 5

_The Town of Mist_

Sign: Welcome to Mist! We are still working on a better name.

Cecil: The present is glowing!

_Bomb Ring activates, destroying entire town_

Cecil: But, but, but, I thought this was just an innocent birthday present. How was I supposed to know that it would lead to an act of genocide?

Kain: Well, it did say Bomb Ring rather clearly on the item inventory.

Cecil: Wait, why didn't you warn me about this earlier then?

Kain: Didn't want to throw off the mood.


End file.
